How I Love

I'm the kind of guy, when I tell you I love you don't take it lightly because I truly mean it. It's hard for me to let my love out a lot of times. I think that's because of the relationship I had with my father but I won't go too deep in to that on this one. When I allow myself to love, I love hard. I put my all into it and every time I get nothing in return but heartache and then I look stupid. I've only truly loved one girl and she broke me in a way that I can't even begin to explain. I still have a whole bunch of love for her to this day but she won't ever know that. I won't say I have trust issues but I'll say it'll be hard for me to ever truly love again. I have a lot of love to give and I want someone to feel the kind of love I have to offer. With my love, I'll wake you up to breakfast in bed just because, I'll buy you flowers and take you places just because, I'll write you beautiful songs and poems just because. I'll do things the average man won't do because I don't want to be viewed as the average man, I want to be viewed as the greatest man you ever met. If I do find that woman I can give that kind of love to, I'm going to show her off. People will know who she is and how much love I have for her but they'll never know what we going through. That woman will love God just as much as me and we can have God in our relationship. With God in our circle how can anything go wrong? 

Lessons Learned

Everyday I wake up, I think of what my life was. I was truly a lost soul. A lost cause. Drinking and smoking almost everyday. I had no idea where I was going or what I was supposed to be doing but eventually I got it. God woke me up one day and told me to get my act together. This is not what he had planned for me. I listened. It kind of scared me to know that God really did exist and that he really cared enough to make me change so I could spend my life with Him. I was embarrassed it took me so long to figure it out or to get to know who he is but I'm not perfect I've made mistakes and I've learned from them. God is my father. He is my rock,soul, and every breath. Without Him I would be nothing. I thank Him everyday for allowing me to continue to grow and continue to gain access to His kingdom. Stay blessed. Seek God and pray. With Him in your corner anything is possible. 

My Father

If you know me, you know I didn't grow up with my dad. I knew who he was and spent time with him a few times but other than that I didn't have him. For the longest time it killed me inside, I thought it was my fault and that I wasn't good enough and he wanted nothing to do with me. It still kills me today but I can accept it more. I use to cry a lot thinking about it. I cried about it for the first time this year. It sucks. Not having my dad around, I went through life with a big fear of rejection and abandonment. Around my 16th birthday is when I stopped looking for him to come around. He would tell me he was going to take me fishing, buy me clothes and toys, and take me to Reds games. It never happened. From my 13th birthday to my 15th birthday the birthday calls would come a day later than the actual day. Turned 16 and didn't even get a call at all. I hated him. I use to speak ill will on him and everything and this is bad for me to say but I've always thought about how I would feel if he was gone gone. I can't answer that because I don't know. How can you feel for someone you barely know? Obviously I'm not wanting him to die but I've thought about how I would feel if he did. If you have your father in your life, cherish him because there's people like me who don't have their fathers in their lives. I wish him all the best of luck and may he stay blessed. 

Love

Sometimes I wonder if I'm meant to find love. Like that real genuine love that people write books about it. It's that one kind of love that when you wake up and go to sleep you feel warm inside. That one kind of love that people say they want. My brothers have the relationships I want. I have a whole bunch of love to give and happiness to share. I just wish I could find someone to give it. It's kind of depressing that love seems to skip right over me. It's now to the point where I lay up late at night and wonder if I'll die alone or if I'll ever be good enough if that woman comes along. I know I'm supposed to be patient but it's hard to stay patient when every time you look up someone's in love around you. I just want to be loved and make someone feel special. I want love. Why is so hard for me to find love? 

Fear

At one point in my life I was so afraid to fail that I never even tried to accomplish anything. I was so afraid that my all wasn't going to be good enough that I never put my all in anything. Baseball, schoolwork, relationships, and music. I just never felt like I could do anything successful with any one of those subjects in my life. Those times have changed. I've found God and not only did He restore my faith but He also gave me a huge boost in confidence. I've learned that without confidence, you can't be successful. You have to understand that you need to be able to fail multiple times before you succeed one time. That's the only true way to appreciate your success because now you know where you've been and what you've been through that it makes it easier to look at your success now and be extremely happy knowing you made it. Not attempting to accomplish your goals is the worst failure you can go through because you will never know if you could've been successful or not. Fight fear. Don't stop. Be consistent. Be you. Accomplish life.